So I quit drinking about three months ago. Tonight, I was struggling with a comic script when some dude tweeted “…Still waiting on a plot line. Start drinking again, if that’s what it takes.”

Now, he himself was drunk, and probably thought he was being funny, but it’s been a rough week and it set me fucking off. So I started talking about it on Twitter, and I might as well expand on it here, where I have more room:

I was an alcoholic for years. Still am, technically, I guess. I just don’t drink anymore.

I say I was a “mostly-functional” alcoholic because it generally didn’t interfere with the comic, and doesn’t appear to have completely ruined my life. I didn’t have a physical dependency, but it was my primary mechanism for coping with what is at times an intensely stressful job and with my at times intensely-powerful anxiety, depression, and self-loathing.

I’d drink at social events, at conventions, on weekends, and many nights after the comic was done. Towards the end, I was drunk more often than not. My alcohol tolerance got to the point where it would take half a bottle of hard liquor to really get me drunk, and I’d quickly go from there to blackout. There are evenings I don’t remember, which is particularly embarrassing because many of them were in the company of friends and colleagues. If I ever did or said anything amazingly shitty or stupid, they’ve been kind enough not to tell me. I’d like to apologize for that.

I’ve read that you can’t really quit drinking until you really WANT to quit, and while I think that’s overly simplistic, it was true in my case. I hit a particularly low point when I got back on Celexa, which my doctor (who was aware of my drinking) had neglected to tell me interacts poorly with excessive, or even moderate alcohol intake. I’d get drunk, my anxiety would skyrocket the next day, which would make me drink more to cope, which would send my anxiety even higher, and on in a downward spiral. I eventually bottomed out, and came as close to ending up in a mental hospital as I’d ever like to get.

I had known for some time that I had a genuine problem, but it wasn’t until I hit that point that I really committed to doing something about it. I’ve never been any good at moderation- it’s always all or nothing for me. So I quit cold turkey. That was a little over three months ago, and I haven’t had a drink since.

I’ve been very fortunate. It hasn’t been as hard as I was expecting it to be, although there are moments (particularly after a bad day, or after an exhausting day at a convention) where I really wish I could have a drink, just one, to take the edge off, you know? It’d probably be fine. I can just go back on the wagon the next day. To which I tell myself “no, shut up, go get a soda you dumb bastard.” That’s worked so far.

I’ve had to re-learn how to be social while sober, and it’s been weird to remember what my old social limits were. Turns out I drank a lot at parties because being in a big group of people stresses me out! I’m fine with other folks drinking around me- honestly, I’d be MORE uncomfortable if someone who normally drank didn’t because I was around. Hell, I even still like to TALK about booze- I’ve got a friend who is aging his own aquavit in oak barrels, and that stuff smells AMAZING. I just won’t have any when it’s ready, and that’s okay.

I look at it as if it were an allergy. You can be allergic to gluten and still think bread is delicious- it’s just not for you. That mindset has helped a lot. Also, no more hangovers! Oh man I do not miss hangovers AT ALL.

I hemmed and hawed for these past few months about whether to be open about this, or to keep it private. I’ve never used the word “alcoholic” in discussing this with my friends (and when my wife told my parents I’d quit drinking, they looked at her as if she had told them I had gone crazy. Catholics. Sheesh.) It does feel like an admission of weakness, like I’m opening myself up for mockery, etc. But the older I get, the less I really care. The people who mock me are gonna do that anyway, and I’d rather be honest with myself and with you guys.

Anyway, I’m sure there’ll be times when I slip up and fall off the wagon or whatever, but I’ll do my best to keep that from happening. It feels good to know that I really can do it. It seems kind of trite and presumptuous to say “I quit drinking, so you can do it too,” but if you think you’ve got a problem, you should do something about it. Talk to someone, go to AA meetings, whatever works. It’s worth it.

Anyway, time to go do a comic. I put it off to write this post SPECIFICALLY TO SPITE THAT DRUNK GUY. HAH.